


Medivh and Khadgar (a Rick and Morty crossover)

by Thesseli



Category: Warcraft (2016), Warcraft - All Media Types, World of Warcraft
Genre: Again...I REGRET NOTHING, Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Remember my Simpsons-Warcraft crossover?, Well here's a Warcraft - Rick and Morty crossover!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-11-07 22:04:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11068041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thesseli/pseuds/Thesseli
Summary: Medivh as Rick.  Khadgar as Morty.  You have been warned.





	1. Chapter 1

(Inside Apprentice Khadgar’s bedroom in Karazhan, in the middle of the night…)

Medivh: Khadgar! You gotta come on. Jus'... You gotta come with me.

Khadgar: *rubs his eyes* What, Master Medivh? What’s going on?

Medivh: I got a surprise for you, Khadgar.

Khadgar: It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?

Medivh: *spills a mana potion on Khadgar's bed* Come on, I got a surprise for you. *drags Khadgar by the ankle* Come on, hurry up.

(Medivh pulls Khadgar out of his bed and into the hall.)

Khadgar: Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!

Medivh: We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Khadgar. *teleports them to the roof of Karazhan*

Medivh: What do you think of this view, Khadgar?

Khadgar: Yeah, Medivh... I-It's great. Is this the surprise?

Medivh *eyes glowing green*: Khadgar. I had to... I had to do it. I had- I had to- I had to make a portal, Khadgar. I had to create a portal.

Khadgar: What?! What kind of portal?!

Medivh: We're gonna let the orcs come through, let them wipe out everyone and just get a whole fresh start, Khadgar. Create a whole fresh start.

Khadgar: T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Medivh: Come on, Khadgar. Just take it easy, Khadgar. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up my old buddy Anduin.

Khadgar: Anduin Lothar? From Stormwind?

(Medivh puts an arm around Khadgar’s shoulders.)

Medivh: When the portal opens, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Steve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Khadgar: Ohhh….

Medivh: And Anduin’s gonna be Steve.

Khadgar: Whhhh-wha?

Medivh: And so that's the surprise, Khadgar.

Khadgar: No, you can't! *shoves Medivh away* Anduin doesn't even know I exist! And- and anyway, you can't destroy Azeroth!

Medivh: I-I get what you're trying to say, Khadgar. Listen, I'm not... *spills a mana potion down his shirt* You don't got… Y-You don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Anduin or mess around with Anduin or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Khadgar.

Khadgar: What are you talking about, Medivh?

Medivh: You- you don't have to worry about me getting with Anduin or anything. He- h-he- he, he, he's all for you, Khadgar.

Khadgar: I don't care about Anduin! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—

Medivh: You know what, Khadgar? You're right. *throws empty potion vial over his shoulder* Let's forget the guy all together. He, he's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. *begins casting a spell*

Khadgar: That's it… that's it, Medivh. I can’t let you do this.

(Khadgar jumps up on Medivh and starts fighting with him.)

Medivh: Get off of me, Khadgar!

(They begin to talk over each other.)

Khadgar: I'm taking charge of this situation, Master Medivh! *the smol mage starts kicking at his shins while grabbing Medivh’s arms* I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’… I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb…dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!

Medivh: (at the same time) Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Azeroth so much why don’t you marry it? *pushes Khadgar away* What are you, crazy? Alright, Alright, Khadgar!

(Medivh manages to push Khadgar off of him. Khadgar glares at him, furious.)

Medivh: Alright. I'll- I'll stop. I'll stop. I'll stop. Hmph. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

(Medivh pulls out a bunch of mana potions and downs them in quick succession, tossing the empties over his shoulder again.)

Khadgar: Oh, thank the Light.

Medivh: You know what? That was all a test, Khadgar. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

Khadgar: It was?

Medivh: Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Khadgar--(Medivh passes out and begins snoring.)

(In the distance, there is the sound of a tremendous explosion, followed by green Fel lightning pouring into the sky as the Dark Portal opens…)

Khadgar: Um...


	2. Chapter 2

(Karazhan, the next morning. Archmage Antonidas of the Kirin Tor has come to investigate the strange goings-on at the tower…but before he can get very far in his questioning, a very tired Khadgar falls asleep at the table, smashing his face into his plate. Antonidas is appalled.)

Antonidas: Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Moroes: Khadgar, are you getting sick? (Khadgar lifts his head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from his face.) I told you not to practice-kiss the pillows on the landing. Lothar’s gryphon sleeps on them.

Khadgar: I wasn't kissing a pillow, Moroes. I just-I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

Antonidas: Or maybe you were out all night again with Magus Medivh.

Moroes: What?

Antonidas: Well, Medivh?

Medivh: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?

Antonidas: Damn it!

Moroes: Archmage!

Antonidas: *glaring at Medivh* Okay, with all due respect, Medivh…What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is the Guardian Novitiate supposed to be trained properly if you keep dragging him off for high-concept magical rigamarole? I should take him back to Dalaran right now!

Medivh: Listen, Antonidas. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your floating city. It's your territory. You're a real Gandolf the Gray but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about studying in Dalaran, Antonidas. It's a waste of time. (Antonidas stares incredulously at Medivh.) Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front of the classroom says, "Abra." Then the people in the back say, "Cadabra." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, Dalaran’s not a place for smart people, Antonidas. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.

(Medivh wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Moroes and putting a hand on his shoulder.)

Medivh: This was a good breakfast, Moroes. Tell Cook she really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish my secret girlfriend from another planet was here to eat them.

(By now, Khadgar is asleep again and has fallen into a dream world filled with books and tomes and everything else he finds interesting. Anduin Lothar steps out from behind some of the books.)

Lothar: Hi, Khadgar.

Khadgar: Whoa! Hi, Anduin.

Lothar: Can I show these to you? (Lothar opens his shirt, showing Khadgar his pecs.)

Khadgar: Wow. Th-they're great. Thank you!

Lothar: You know what I named these? My little Khadgars.

Khadgar: *rubs the back of his neck* Uh, that's flattering… and a little weird.

Lothar: Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Khadgar: Rename them?

Lothar: Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.

Khadgar: Wow. Well, okay, Anduin. L-let's give this a shot. (Khadgar grabs him and starts fondling him.)

Lothar: Mm. Oh, Khadgar. What are you doing to me?

Khadgar: Uh, I-I'm just doing my best.

(In real life, breakfast has ended and Khadgar is fondling Moroes.)

Moroes: Khadgar! What are you doing to me?!

Khadgar: *sleep talking* Oh, Anduin.

Moroes: Khadgar!

Khadgar: Anduin.

Moroes: Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. (Moroes leans back and bites his lip.)

Khadgar: Anduin…Anduin…

Moroes: *shrugs* Not my fault this is happening...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new Rick and Morty episode last Sunday inspired me to work the entire pilot into the Warcraft universe..."And that's the wayyyyyy the news goes!"


	3. Chapter 3

(After breakfast is cleaned up, Medivh takes Khadgar up to the top of Karazhan again. He murmurs a few magic words, and a portal appears.) 

Medivh: There she is. All right. Come on, Khadgar. Let's go. 

Khadgar: Oh, geez, okay. 

(Medivh and Khadgar go through the portal and end up in a completely alien-looking world.)

Khadgar: Oh, man, Medivh. What is this place?

Medivh: It's called Draenor, and it's got the perfect geological conditions for a special type of rock to form, Khadgar, and there’s minerals in that rock, and there’s crystals in that mineral. I’m talking about apexis crystals. 

Khadgar: (intrigued) Apexis crystals? Those sound really cool, what do they do?

Medivh: They're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my magical research, Khadgar.

Khadgar: (taking in all the weird alien sights) Oh, man, Medivh. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Medivh: All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Khadgar. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull, that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. As Guardian, I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Khadgar, we're gonna be-

(A gigantic alien monster suddenly appears behind them)

Medivh (Terrified): HOLY CRAP, KHADGAR, RUN!!!

(Medivh and Khadgar take off, running in complete and total fear as the monster chases them.)

Medivh: I never seen that thing before in my life! I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Khadgar! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Khadgar!

(After somehow managing to run fast enough to escape, Medivh and Khadgar are walking around Draenor, continuing their adventure.)

Medivh: Oh, Khadgar, take a deep breath. Breathe that fresh air in, Khadgar. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Khadgar. That's, that's the smell of of of of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

Khadgar: All right, Medivh, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't we be back in Azeroth by now?

Medivh: Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. (A weird looking monster is seen cooing and rolling around on the ground.) What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing in Azeroth? Look at it just lumbering around…It defies all logic, that thing.

Khadgar: Yeah, Medivh, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave.

(They come up to a cliff and Medivh stops there.)

Medivh: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Khadgar, you see this? (Medivh and Khadgar are looking down upon a vast valley filled with sparkling crystals.) You see what we just stumbled upon, Khadgar? Any idea what that is down there?

Khadgar: The rocks with the apexis crystals in them?

Medivh: That's right, Khadgar, the rocks with the apexis crystals in them and that's what I'm talking about, Khadgar. That's where my crystals are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with Azeroth.

Khadgar: All right, all right. So, what's so special about these crystals, anyways?

Medivh: You ask a lot of questions, Khadgar. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under, underfoot figure.

(Medivh gives Khadgar a pair of shoes and Khadgar proceeds to put them on.)

Medivh: Just take these shoes, Khadgar. They're magic grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Khadgar, up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

(Khadgar walks off the cliff and plummets to the ground, screaming and smashing into rocks)

Khadgar: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Medivh: (wincing) You have to say the magic words to turn them on, Khadgar! You have to say the magic words!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who've seen Rick and Morty, you probably have a pretty good idea of where those apexis crystals are going to end up.

(Medivh goes down to Khadgar, who is lying on the ground and his legs are broken)

Medivh: Khadgar oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the magic shoes on, Khadgar, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.

Khadgar: I'm in a lot of pain, Medivh!

Medivh: Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my crystals, Khadgar?

Khadgar (Angry): Are you kidding me?! That's it, Medivh! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those crystals?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Gul’dan, but but even Gul’dan cares about Gul’dania or something.

Medivh: Okay, hold on just a second, Khadgar.

(Medivh opens another portal and leaves Khadgar behind, lying on the ground to suffer for a few seconds)

Khadgar: Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh!

(Medivh finally returns and injects Khadgar's legs with medicine, healing them to perfection)

Khadgar (Happy): Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Medivh. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

Medivh: Don't worry about it, Khadgar. Just come help me get these apexis crystals, all right, buddy? 

Khadgar: Sure thing, Medivh.

(Khadgar climbs up on the rocks and gets the crystals while Medivh talks to him)

Medivh: Not that you asked, Khadgar, but what just happened there is I went into an alternate dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Khadgar.

Khadgar: (Handing crystals to Medivh) Wow, that's pretty crazy, Medivh.

Medivh: There's just one problem, Khadgar one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, but they had no magic, Khadgar, and they’d never had it. I was the only mage there, Khadgar. It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Khadgar, and they they they they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of ladies, but I spent so much time there, my mana pool is completely depleted. I’ve got no charge left, Khadgar. No charge left.

Khadgar: What?!

Medivh: I’m as good as garbage, Khadgar. My portal magic's not gonna work anymore.

Khadgar: Oh, geez, Medivh, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at Karazhan studying right now, or Antonidas is going to make me go back to Dalaran. How are we gonna get back home?

Medivh: There's ways to get back home, Khadgar. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.

Khadgar: Uh-oh.

Medivh: (holding out the apexis crystals to Khadgar) I'm gonna need you to take these apexis crystals, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Khadgar.

Khadgar: In my butt?

Medivh: Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

Khadgar: Oh, geez, Medivh. I really don't want to have to do that.

Medivh: Well, somebody's got to do it, Khadgar. Th-these crystals aren't gonna be able to power anybody’s magic unless they're in someone's rectum, Khadgar.

Khadgar: Uuuh.

Medivh: And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Khadgar. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for your master, Khadgar. Y-you've got to put these crystals inside your butt.

Khadgar: In my butt?

Medivh: Come on, Khadgar. Please, Khadgar. You have to do it, Khadgar.

Khadgar: Oh, man.

(Tasteful fade to black)

Medivh: Did you get those apexis crystals all the way up your butt?

Khadgar: Yeah, Medivh. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.

Medivh: That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Khadgar. Those apexis crystals are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Khadgar. A-all kinds of magic.

(Medivh rests his hands on Khadgar’s shoulders, pulling the power from him; then his eyes glow and he speaks the magic words.)

Medivh: WUBBA LUBBA DUB-DUB!

(Medivh opens the portal and takes Khadgar through with him)

(The portal opens up in Stormwind, and Medivh and Khadgar land in the barracks in front of Anduin Lothar)

Lothar: Wow. Did you just come into my barracks through a portal?

Khadgar (Nervous): Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my my magic carpet's in the shop. (Nervously Laughs) Just kidding.

Lothar: You're Medivh’s apprentice, right?

Khadgar (Happy): Yeah.

(Medivh grabs Khadgar and takes him away)

Medivh: You can get his number later. Come on, Khadgar. We got to get out of here. You got to get those crystals out of your ass.

(Medivh opens another portal, this time to Karazhan)

Antonidas (Angry): Oh, look. It's the Guardian Novitiate, and Sarumen the White.

Moroes (Confused): What?

Antonidas (Put off): I'm an angry wizard, not an improvisor.

Medivh: Oh, hi, Antonidas. (Poorly acting) Oh, my goodness, Khadgar! What are you doing out of the library? We talked about this. The Kirin Tor and I are very disappointed in in this behavior ... No? No takers?

(Antonidas casts a spell, and suddenly a bunch of boxes and suitcases appear before them with all of Khadgar’s things inside)

Medivh: You should really not be touching anything in Karazhan. It's beyond your reasoning.

Antonidas (Angry): You're beyond our reasoning!

Medivh: Takes one to know one.

Antonidas (Angry): I am taking Khadgar back to Dalaran, where he can continue with his studies uninterrupted.

Moroes (Angry and Disappointed): Medivh, how could you take your apprentice away from his studies like this? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Khadgar: Antonidas, Moroes, come on. Medivh just needed my help is all.

Antonidas: Khadgar, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.

Medivh: What are you trying to say about Khadgar? That he's stupid or something?

Antonidas: Oh, don't high-road us, magus. You know fully well that Khadgar is the last apprentice that needs to be missing studying.

Medivh: I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific?

Antonidas: Oh, for crying out- he's got some kind of mental block or something. Is that what you want us to say?

Khadgar: I do?

Antonidas: Well, duh doy, Khadgar. Look, the Kirin Tor loves you, but we all know you’re easily distracted and you don’t apply yourself like the other apprentices, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.

Khadgar: Aw, geez, Antonidas. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on me all at once.

Medivh: Khadgar, t-tell these fine people here the square root of pi.

Khadgar: Oh, come on, Medivh. You know I can't.

Medivh: The square root of pi, Khadgar. Go!

Khadgar: 1.77245385... Whoa!

Antonidas: What the hell?

Moroes: Holy crap. He's right.

Medivh: Khadgar, tell them the first law of Thermodynamics.

Khadgar: "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Antonidas: But-

Medivh: I told the both of you schooling in Dalaran is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Khadgar's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great magic stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me.

Moroes: Antonidas, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Antonidas: No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe I overreacted. But he has to keep studying.

Medivh: Okay, Antonidas. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication.

Antonidas: Okay. Well, uh, Khadgar. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work.

(Antonidas and Moroes leave)

Khadgar: Holy cow, Medivh. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

Medivh: Full disclosure, Khadgar, it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the apexis crystals dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Khadgar: Aw, man.

Medivh: Yeah, and once those crystals wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Khadgar. Starting right about now.

Khadgar: Ohh, man. (Losing consciousness) Oh, geez! Ohh.

(Khadgar drops to the ground and starts moaning as he has a seizure)

Medivh: I'm sorry, Khadgar. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those crystals real bad, and I had to give them up just to get the Kirin Tor off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more.)

(While Khadgar is still seizing, Medivh excitedly looks down upon him, green Felfire rising in his eyes, telling him about their future adventures)

Medivh (Excitedly): And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Khadgar and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Khadgar, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Khadgar but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Khadgar, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Khadgar. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Khadgar. Just you and me, Khadgar. The outside world is our enemy, Khadgar. We're the only friends we've got, Khadgar. It's just Medivh and Khadgar. Medivh and Khadgar and their adventures, Khadgar. Medivh and Khadgar forever and forever. Khadgar's things. Medivh and Khadgar running around, and Medivh and Khadgar time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Medivh and Khadgar forever 100 times. Over and over, MedivhandKhadgaradventures.com. All 100 years. Every minute, MedivhandKhadgar.com.


End file.
